My Fresh Hell
Life in Scribbletown.

Penis Jokes and Captain Hook, Girl Pirate

2004-11-18
As promised, here are a few of Rocky’s jokes. WARNING: these jokes are from a bygone era of non-political correctness. If you are easily offended, click the back arrow of your browser.

Joke #1: An old sea captain goes to a whore. After he’s been pumping away for awhile, he asks the girl, “How’m I doing?” She replies, “Oh, about three knots.” “Yeah?” “Yeah. You’re not hard, you’re not in and you’re not getting your money back!”

Joke #2: A drunk in a bar orders a double shot for himself, one for the bartender and one for the house. Twice. He has no money and gets thrown out. Half an hour later, the drunk returns and orders a double shot for himself and the house. The bartender asks, “And none for me?” The drunk answers, “Hell no – you get nasty when you’re drunk!”

Joke #3: What’s a monastery? A home for unwed fathers.

Joke #4: A lady get a bust job but the surgeon uses silly putty instead of silicone by mistake. So, instead of getting a 38 C, she ends up with a 42 Long.

Joke #5: A man develops a corkscrew penis. He goes to the doctor who can’t help him, never heard of such a thing. Later, at a urinal, the guy next to the man says, “Hey I had that once, too. It was very embarrassing.” “Oh, yeah? What’d you do?” Guy shows him: he pees, pats his penis carefully on the top and the bottom and gently puts it back in his pants. “Try it and it may work.” It does and his penis is straight within a month. He goes back to the doctor to show him. “Wonderful,” the doctor says, “How’d you do it?” Man shows him: pat on top, pat on bottom. “Okay. What did you do before?” “I used to wring it out!”

And those are the tame ones. Happy Holidays!

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A few items from Dusty’s World:

• Dusty amazes me with her grip on the English language and makes an improvement to it daily. Currently the phrase of most usage is “pianoing” as in, “Thelonius isn’t pianoing right now. Why?” “Because it’s the drummer’s turn to play.”

• Another favorite phrase (taken from Harry the Dirty Dog books) is “Holy Smokes!” In my opinion, there are few things more charming than a four year old declaring, “Holy Smokes!” when she sees a beautiful sunset, “It’s like a ‘splosion!” Which, of course, is exactly what the sky looks like these days.

• During her bath the other night, she used a stacking cup as a megaphone and declared, “Hello to all the animals in the world around my bathtub [addressing the plastic animal shapes that cling to the tub]! I am taking a bath! I am Dusty Trails and it is --- what day is it, Mommy?” “Tuesday.” “And it is Tuesday! The baby got rice cereal for dinner! She drools a lot and it’s disgusting! All the animals in the world!”

The animals like to be kept up on current events – particularly those that live in the bathroom and never get opportunities to mingle with the higher order animals – those of the stuffed variety. Bath animals are on the lowest rung of the play animal caste system since they are usually coated in soap scum and thus only fit for the tub. Stuffed animals, on the other hand, get to leave the house on occasion and ride in the cars. They get to see a bit of the world around them. I like to think they take pity on the bathroom animals and report back to them but I don’t have any proof of this. Perhaps the stuffed animals are dreadful snobs and prefer not to mingle with the bathroom animals, which would be a shame because some of them seem to be right nice chaps.

Dusty’s going to a birthday party this weekend that has a “Dress up like your favorite Peter Pan character” theme. When I opened the invitation, I realized that Dusty had no idea who Peter Pan was. Being a rabid anti-Disneyite, I’ve yet to introduce her to the evil empire’s movies (in fact, the only feature-length movies she’s seen are half of Toy Story and the entire Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory). Since the original P.P. story was written for an older child, we havn’t gotten around to reading it yet. So, I had to scrape the empty sides of my brain’s story repository for a brief outline of the plot. She’s going in her pirate gear, a la Captain Hook, AND wearing a dress to be: a Girl Pirate! Yay Dusty! I’ll let you know how it goes.


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9:37 a.m. ::
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