My Fresh Hell
Life in Scribbletown.

Glutton. For Punishment.

So....what have I done in the last few days? Written a symphony, gotten a divorce, published a novel, hit a deer, went quietly insane.

Kidding. Except for that last one.

The short list of all that’s occurred in the FreshHell household over the “holiday”:
• Red caught a cold. A nasty one with an enduring consumptive cough.
• Cooked two pumpkin pies and a vat of black bean/hominy chili (mmmm..) for Thanksgiving.
• Baked a chocolate birthday cake – from scratch – with purple icing – from a can – topped with sparkle Barbie candles and “Happy Birthday” sugar letters.
• Went to Thanksgiving festivities at my mother-in-law-once-removed’s house in which the mothers had a small territorial dispute over aprons and my sister’s brother in law (who must have read last week’s diary entry) started in about the evils of food – how everything is poisoned by Monsanto chemicals, bovine growth hormone, and how I better make damn sure the soymilk Dusty drinks is organic because soybeans are the #1 pesticide-covered food substance on the planet. Dude, it might be true – I read Organic Gardening – but, seriously: shut up! And, yes, the soymilk is organic. So there!
• Dusty surveyed all the Thanksgiving fixings, did not utter one “disgusting” that could be heard by the hostess, and dismissed all the food except pumpkin pie. Then, she spied the tub of ChemicalWhip. “What’s that?” “Whipped topping.” “What’s it for?” “For putting on pie, like ice cream only it’s not.” “Can I try it?” So, I gave her a fingernail sized portion of the tub caulking/pie topping. “Mmm, I like it!” Of course you do. Christ.
• Nursed Red’s cold. In more ways than one.
• Went to the bike store so Grandma could buy Dusty a bike for her birthday. She got a purple “Pudd’n” bike with butterflies on it, pink and purple streamers, a purple bell and a basket with plastic flowers. We also got her a pink ballet-bear helmet. Admit it, you are SO jealous.
• The in-laws came into town to celebrate the birthday and had to be entertained. They caught us up on all the bad things happening in the world, especially to children, since they watch the evening news and we do not. I feel so much more informed/frightened now. Great. Come back again real soon!
• Was so exhausted by Friday evening, I was dizzy. Really super dizzy. The room spun. It was like the kind of room spinning too much alcohol will induce only this was a “natural high.” It sucked. Mainly because I didn’t even get to drink my way to this situation. Then, it was gone by morning. Which was good because it was:
• Dusty’s fourth birthday!! Family descended. Food was prepared. Cake and ice cream was eaten. Presents were unwrapped. The old people talked about their identity theft fears and how they shred all their junk mail (!!). I can’t imagine having that much free time. Never mind giving a shit. The grandfathers managed to break the door of our wood stove when I stupidly mentioned I was having difficulties starting a fire (because I’m a city girl moron, but we won't dwell on that!). I fixed the door last night, thank you very much.
• Red continued to cough and I was given a very special gift: a sore throat.
• Red, due to her never-ending teething, was given a new nickname: Slobber Puss.
• Dusty rides her bike through the house during every available moment. She delivers (junk) mail (my God! It hasn't been shredded!) from her bike basket to passersby. Even Slobber Puss gets a credit card offer. She needs it to buy more OraGel and Infant Tylenol: Baby’s First Cherry Flavoring.
• Dusty announces, as she straps on her Buzz Lightyear pull-up during bedtime preparations that she wants a “Buzz Light” birthday party (the party for her friends is THIS Saturday. Somebody kill me.). For a second, I hear this as “Bud Light” and think, “Beer themed birthday party? Hell, yes!” Man, it would be worth going to jail for that one.
• Dusty gives up her pacifiers. She calls them “byes.” So far she’s slept two nights in a row without one (which is good because they are now part of the neighborhood landfill). Way to go, Dusty!!
• Laundry is done, dishes are washed, both kids take a nap at THE SAME TIME, husband is at work grading papers with colleagues, and I do something I haven’t done in years (no lie): take a hot bath and read a book (biography of Nathaniel Hawthorne, if you must know). Until the madness starts again.


9:57 a.m. ::
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