My Fresh Hell
Life in Scribbletown.

Ho, Ho, Ho!

Man, look at me! Writing more than once a week and shit! Well, this will be short and festive.

As totally stressed out and poor as I am around this time of year (especially since I’m married to someone who, because he teaches at a university and isn’t “faculty”, doesn’t get paid again until mid-January), I love Christmas. And I’m a card-carrying atheist without the card. So, if you leave out Jesus (who apparently wasn’t even born in December), what do you have?

Lights! Decorations! God, I wish I could take off the whole month of December and really do the house up right instead of hastily throwing some sad-ass light strands hither and yon throughout the house and maybe around some bushes outside because no matter how pissed off I am, no matter how bad the day has been, seeing a house all decorated with lights and statuary and blow-up Santas, I get happy again. Boy, that was quite the run-on sentence, wasn’t it. But, seriously, just when I have begun to think that everyone else but me is an idiot, I see a house all lit up with glowing green trees and glowing white reindeer and even a glowing manger thing. And my faith in humanity is restored a bit.

I hate the word “tacky” when referring to Xmas decorations because, in my book, more is better. I don’t even care what the more entails, though I do prefer colored over white. Where my husband’s from, there’s a house that creates an enormous waving Santa out of lights that stretches from the edge of the sidewalk up over the roof. You can see him for miles. It rules. I love the waving Santa.

And, out here in the country, they really do it up right. Since there are no other competing lights (street lights, etc), the decorations really stand out. Really, quite the works of art.

I also love, love, love having a REAL Christmas tree. Soon, the FreshHell family will ride down the road to a Christmas tree farm and hack down our very own. I cannot tell you how much I love decorating a tree and how sad I feel for people who say, “Oh, I’m not going to get a tree this year. It’s just too much trouble.” Too much, *what*, Scrooge? Say again?

So, in that spirit, and because I was requested to post it, here is my Holiday Wish List. I realize most of these are impossible for mere mortals (without trust funds) to fulfill but I’m not really posting it to get anything. I’m just saying, wouldn’t it be nice……….

What I Want For Christmas is:

1. Time – especially time alone. Guilt-free book-reading-feet-up-on-the-sofa-with-a-pint-of-raspberry-sorbet time. And if I want to watch “A Birth Story” for 2 solid hours and cry my ass off, no one’s the wiser. Shut up! Oh, and time to finish my novel, which I almost forgot I’d started.
2. A week in which no one in my house is sick.
3. A dishwasher – with free installation
4. A handyman and a closet organizer on retainer
5. Dark chocolate and/or marzipan and/or Jelly Bellys (not any of those disgusting flavors like buttered popcorn – just standard fruit flavors)
6. Dinner and a movie with any of the following: Tom Petty, David Bowie, Pierce Brosnan, Cary Grant (via my Way Back Machine), Bill Murray.
7. Conjugal visit(s) with my husband. We are currently in Baby Prison serving 6 months to life; let us out!
8. Two week’s vacation at the beach, oceanfront. With a nanny. And a chef. And a masseuse.
9. Discovery and eradication of mystery leak in my car that turns the back floor boards/carpeting into a mildewy swamp. And then, new floor mats.
10. Eight full hours of sleep for at least three nights in a row (not to push my luck or anything).
10-a. New earrings (leaning towards the silver and beads variety).


3:16 p.m. ::
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