My Fresh Hell
Life in Scribbletown.

Babies vs The Elderly

1. Both have no teeth and, thus, are relegated to eating things like applesauce and gruel. Red prefers her fingers which have that rich linty flavor of our floors.

2. Both are the center of their own universes and believe that everything exists for their pleasure. Though, I tend to cut babies a break on this one.

3. Both need their constant demands met or there’s hell to pay.

4. If they’re talking, they assume you’re listening. Every thought is spoken out loud. This also applies to four year olds.

5. When they’re talking, it’s usually a lot of white noise. No sentence structure, no coherent thought process, no two-way conversations.

6. Both fart without remorse. In public.

7. Both drool.

8. Diapers are usually a requirement.

9. Neither sleeps much.

10. Both have to be driven to the doctor’s office. At least once a week. Because…

11. They both have poor immune systems and thus are twice as sick, twice as often, as those around them. But, they get first dibs at flu shots (bonus!)

12. Neither smells particularly well (see #8) at certain times. Lysol is a must product in the home.

13. Both have soft skin (except baby feet are good; old people feet, not so good).

14. Need assistance getting from room to room.

15. Most of America sticks them in a contraption and wheels them around, untouched. This might be a good idea with the elderly. Babies need arms around them.

16. Must keep you in their sight AT. ALL. TIMES. (Insert bit about “hell to pay” here). And, no, you may NOT go to the bathroom because – duh – then they can’t see you.

17. A pleasure to do business with. I kid because I love!

1. Babies, when bathed, smell dreamy. Old people are just finally clean though the death smell lingers like a noxious vapor. Was that Mr. G. Reaper at the door? Can somebody get the door?

2. Babies love you and want only you. Always an ego boost even when it becomes smothering. Old people don’t even know who you are.

3. Babies grow out of the baby stage so their few negative qualities do not last forever. (We won’t discuss the fact that they then pick up all new, annoying habits which are called “phases” – also known as “things that drive mommy insane”). Old people are on their way out and do not improve. Quite the opposite.

4. Babies can be soothed by attaching them to a breast. There is nothing lovelier than Red’s Face of Ecstasy when she’s “on the boob” so to speak. The thought of breast feeding an old person so grosses me out, I almost didn’t write this sentence.

5. God. I think I need a shower.

6. With Lysol.

7. Industrial grade. Good thing I have some.

8. Babies, when they laugh, are so wonderfully wonderful you just want to eat them. Old people…..Soylent Green, anyone?

9. Watching babies learn to do things is awe inspiring. Red figured out how to sit up, unassisted, in, like, a week. Damn! Old people are forgetting how to do something they’ve done for 60 years every day.

10. Babies are portable. You just strap ‘em on and go. You need a few supplies but they’re usually happy with a new vista even if it’s the produce section of the grocery store. Old people and their many-wheeled contraptions clog up aisles. They really should just stay home. Seriously.

11. Babies generally rule their parents’ world. They are difficult in many aspects but have many good qualities like when Dusty sings, “Who stole my chickens and my eggs” at top volume, Red giggles uncontrollably and then lunges at the kitchen table, pulling everything off in one fell swoop like a bad magician. Who really needed all that dishware anyway?

I’m sure there are more I could add. Do you have any? Let me know and I’ll update the list.


And here’s your Dusty quote of the day, from the bathtub, “I like to be clean. Everybody does. Not dogs. They like to be dirty.”


2:03 p.m. ::
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