My Fresh Hell
Life in Scribbletown.

Big City Trashmouth Mouths Off

2005-03-01
That�s the nickname my husband gave me years ago � Big City Trashmouth � because of my penchant for cursing. It�s one of the things I haven�t been able to curb even now that I�m surrounded by �little pitchers.� I do try to keep my mouth shut while driving with Dusty in the car because here�s a conversation I DON�T want to have:

Dusty: Mommy, what�s motherfucker?
Me: Nothing, nevermind. Forget I said anything.
Dusty: What�s �Christ on the half shell?�
Me: Don�t say that, please.
Dusty: You said it.
Me: Yeah, well, Mommy�s got a foul mouth and there�s no hope for her.

Let me just reiterate that the above conversation has never occurred and, hopefully, never will. I now save those choice terms for when I�ve got Red in the car and some big-eared eighty year old goober insists on driving 20 miles UNDER the posted speed limit on a sunny day. On a dry road. And, god help you if a flake of snow [and what the hell, I ask you, is with all this damn snow and sleet and just overall gray nastiness? This is Virginia, for god�s sake!] or a drop of rain should fall.

The worst that�s so far come of my inability to control my mouth has been Dusty�s exclaiming, �Dammit!� which I�ve tried to ask her not to say but she knows a hypocrite when she hears one. It�s a fine line. Or maybe it�s a fat one. I don�t know.

But, while I�m on the topic of cussing, and since I�ve got nothing to write about, here is a list of things that piss me off or otherwise drive me crazy:

1. People asking me personal questions (examples below).

2. The sound of someone: chewing gum, flossing, doing that snorting-in of phlegm down his throat instead of just getting a damn Kleenex and blowing his nose, whistling (the horror), clicking his dentures.

3. People coming to a complete stop before making a right turn.

4. Drivers who: talk on their cell phones, don�t understand how to use turn signals, dump their full ashtrays in parking lots, throw their goddamn butts out the window (I�ve had one come into my window before and burn a hole in my seat!) like the world is their personal trash can, do pretty much anything other than paying attention to the road and going at least the posted speed limit. Five mph over the limit would be nice. Just a suggestion.

5. People who get upset that I don�t dress my baby in gender-appropriate clothes so THEY will know �what she is.� I know what she is: my own personal child. If you wish to admire my child, feel free, but don�t say, �Is it a girl or a boy, I can�t tell by the clothing.� Fuck off (see how well I meet the demands of my nickname?).

6. People who are constantly late.

7. People who do not return phone calls. Especially workmen or companies you�re trying to hire to do a �job of work.� Do you not need the business? Then, why don�t you just put that on your voicemail message: �You�ve reached XYZ plumbers. Sorry we�re not able to take your call right now but we�ve got plenty of clients already and don�t need you. Call someone else or take a vo-tech class and learn how to install a toilet by yourself.� Common courtesy is all I�m asking for here.

8. Virginia Legislators wasting my tax dollars arguing bills about what teenagers are wearing, putting prayer back in public schools (oooh, do not get me started on this one), keeping �gays� from adopting children or being considered citizens at all, and anesthetizing fetuses prior to abortion (my blood pressure is rising...I better stop). And, they don�t actually expect these things to pass, it�s just political-fucking-posturing!

9. The person at work who asks me, when she sees me cleaning the parts of my breast pump, �Are you still doing that?� Um, Red�s only eight months old and I plan to breast feed her until she weans herself and that means, yes, I still pump two or three times a day at work. If for no other reason than it�s free. Have you seen what formula costs? Christ on the half shell!

10. My own mind. Last night I had a dream that I found out (through someone at work, of all things � these two worlds rarely collide) that my husband planned to go to Australia with friends over spring break (he�s a college instructor; they get things like spring breaks) and hadn�t bothered to tell me. Much less invite me to go along. I was still pissed off when I woke up! And then I realized it was a dream. Duh.

Well, I�m certainly in a mood today aren�t I? I�m sure I�ll be better when the weather improves. And when Red can be bothered to sleep through the night. At least it�s finally March.

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