My Fresh Hell
Life in Scribbletown.

Call Now! Operators Are Standing By!

2005-04-12
Do you want to lose weight? A lot of it? And get paid to do it? And eat whatever you want and never exercise? Be a wet nurse! It�s a burgeoning field and you can be in the forefront of this exciting new trend! By serving as a wet nurse, you not only provide the Perfect Sustenance for someone�s baby, but you lose pounds and inches without even trying! You just sit on your ass � reading a book or watching t.v. � and nurse that baby �til she�s done.

The catch? A lot of lost sleep because babies don�t often sleep well. Or at all. And they often go through a months-long stretch where they are waking up continuously through the night and just need a little nip of the good stuff to knock �em back out. Over and over again.

Oh, and you'll probably need to live at your employer's house due to the 24-hour nature of the job. But, it's all good.

Are you game? Usually, you have to give birth to be able to breast feed but I�ve been reading literature � aimed at adoptive mothers � that claims you can stimulate lactation if you are very dedicated and have a kick-ass breast pump. Frankly, I can�t imagine being quite that dedicated but hey! Remember how I mentioned losing weight? Eating what you want? No exercise?

It�s all true!!

My sister can vouch for the fact that I have gone from a size 12 to a size 6 in about 6 months. Because my insane-for-the-breast baby is sucking me dry and taking all my fat in the bargain.

Normally, they (you know: �they�) tell you that you need to eat about 500 more calories when you�re nursing to make up for the ravaging of your body. Oops! I forgot to eat! But, damn am I drinking water (and beer. Don�t forget the beer!*). Also, I have not had a decent night�s sleep in more than a year! Fantastic! This had lead to severe sleep deprivation and, as a side bonus, a depression we�ll call post-partum depression just to give it a nice official name so I, too, can be a victim of something. When I�m depressed, I tend not to eat so much. Unless it�s candy.

Yes � half of what you eat while you�re pursuing your new career as a wet nurse can be sugar! Chocolate! Jelly Beans! You name it! Worked for me!

The downside? You have to go shopping for new clothes! Sounds terrible doesn�t it? What�s not to love?

So, to recap: Lose pounds and inches, eat what you want, sit around all day, get to know some pretty swell little people in their own homes and all you�ve got to lose is a shit load of sleep and 30 pounds!

Call now to place your order for my pamphlet: Wet Nurse Your Way To a Gorgeous Bod! --- Summer�s just around the corner! Don�t delay!

* My absolutely favorite line from Arrested Development was, �Buster hadn�t tasted alcohol since he was breastfed.� Priceless.

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4:48 p.m. ::
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