My Fresh Hell
Life in Scribbletown.

Call Now! Operators Are Standing By!

2005-04-12
Do you want to lose weight? A lot of it? And get paid to do it? And eat whatever you want and never exercise? Be a wet nurse! It’s a burgeoning field and you can be in the forefront of this exciting new trend! By serving as a wet nurse, you not only provide the Perfect Sustenance for someone’s baby, but you lose pounds and inches without even trying! You just sit on your ass – reading a book or watching t.v. – and nurse that baby ‘til she’s done.

The catch? A lot of lost sleep because babies don’t often sleep well. Or at all. And they often go through a months-long stretch where they are waking up continuously through the night and just need a little nip of the good stuff to knock ‘em back out. Over and over again.

Oh, and you'll probably need to live at your employer's house due to the 24-hour nature of the job. But, it's all good.

Are you game? Usually, you have to give birth to be able to breast feed but I’ve been reading literature – aimed at adoptive mothers – that claims you can stimulate lactation if you are very dedicated and have a kick-ass breast pump. Frankly, I can’t imagine being quite that dedicated but hey! Remember how I mentioned losing weight? Eating what you want? No exercise?

It’s all true!!

My sister can vouch for the fact that I have gone from a size 12 to a size 6 in about 6 months. Because my insane-for-the-breast baby is sucking me dry and taking all my fat in the bargain.

Normally, they (you know: “they”) tell you that you need to eat about 500 more calories when you’re nursing to make up for the ravaging of your body. Oops! I forgot to eat! But, damn am I drinking water (and beer. Don’t forget the beer!*). Also, I have not had a decent night’s sleep in more than a year! Fantastic! This had lead to severe sleep deprivation and, as a side bonus, a depression we’ll call post-partum depression just to give it a nice official name so I, too, can be a victim of something. When I’m depressed, I tend not to eat so much. Unless it’s candy.

Yes – half of what you eat while you’re pursuing your new career as a wet nurse can be sugar! Chocolate! Jelly Beans! You name it! Worked for me!

The downside? You have to go shopping for new clothes! Sounds terrible doesn’t it? What’s not to love?

So, to recap: Lose pounds and inches, eat what you want, sit around all day, get to know some pretty swell little people in their own homes and all you’ve got to lose is a shit load of sleep and 30 pounds!

Call now to place your order for my pamphlet: Wet Nurse Your Way To a Gorgeous Bod! --- Summer’s just around the corner! Don’t delay!

* My absolutely favorite line from Arrested Development was, “Buster hadn’t tasted alcohol since he was breastfed.” Priceless.

|

4:48 p.m. ::
prev :: next