My Fresh Hell
Life in Scribbletown.

Toddler Tips

Hi! Hi! Hi!

This is Red, the adorable strawberry blonde kid you’ve read so much about! You may know me from such entries as “Just Me ‘an Old Timer,” “Happy Birthday Baby,” and “Baby’s First Jazz God.” Yeah, that’s me! I rule!

My mom foolishly left the computer within my reach while she went to pee and since I LOVE to get my fat stubby fingers into everything, I just couldn’t resist saying a few words.

I thought it was about time to reach out to all you toddlers out there, and those of you under-ones, and share what I’ve learned in my short time here. You can thank me later – like when you learn to talk! Ha! I kill me!


Food’s great, isn’t it? So many shapes and colors and tastes? Here’s a few tips for your ultimate enjoyment of this stuff:

1. Try everything. Stuff you pick up off the floor has even more flavor than what’s on your tray so be sure and knock as much of it down there as you can. I prefer what I call the “windshield wiper” method myself, but slamming your hands on the tray until it vibrates the food off the edge is another well-favored technique.

2. If you don’t like what you’ve been given, speak up! Everyone cares about your opinion and you need to make sure you’re absolutely understood – you will not eat green beans! Shrieking works for me. Over and over. Those big people are dense and hard of hearing. If they’re talking to each other, interrupt! You’re the baby; you’re the Important Person here! They obviously need reminding.

3. The big people are likely to carefully chop your food into small chunks so you don’t choke. Because they think you can’t chew properly with only a couple teeth. Hey – I say, if you like it, don’t be a putz. Cram as many as you can in your mouth at once. Your mouth is big – fill it up! I once got six hunks of soy butter sandwich in my mouth at one time! Mmmm.

4. If you find you’ve crammed too much food in your mouth and are having trouble chewing and swallowing, just open your mouth real wide and let the bits fall out onto the tray or down your bib. Even though the big people will act disgusted, don’t believe it! They love you and think everything you do is hilarious. Be sure to remind them by laughing. This also helps remove the extra wet chunks that didn’t fall out the first time. Clear the decks and start again.

5. If they give you peas, don’t eat them. Peas only exist for one reason: squooshing. Be sure to squish each one, preferably between your thumb and first finger. This allows the innards to ooze out in a satisfying way. Eventually, they’ll stop giving you peas so take advantage of this opportunity while you can.

6. You may not realize it but ANYTHING can be a meal. Look around you. See that wad of fuzz on the corner of the carpet? A delicacy. Be sure to pop that one in your mouth while nobody’s looking. Otherwise, they might take it away. Also delicious are stickers, magnets, Barbie shoes, paper (see Books below), cat food (extra yummy!), and dead bugs (an acquired taste with a special texture all its own). You’ll have to experiment a bit to find the things you like best. If your big people actually clean the house on a regular basis – I feel sorry for you. I don’t happen to have that problem so the sky’s the limit!


Truly, this is Nirvana. The Mount Everest of body parts. Never underestimate the powers within. Do whatever you can to keep The Breast producing as long as possible. You will miss it when its gone. I’m still hard at work on it but I can see the day coming. My sister was weaned at 18 months. That’s only 3 months away for me! Yikes!

To delay that horrible day, do what I do. Refuse to drink out of a sippy cup unless it’s held to your face. Hands? What hands? Why hold something like a sucker when others can do it for you? Also, be real grumpy and fussy at night. Do not let anything improve your mood until you are offered The Breast. You might be able to keep this up well into your second year – I’ve heard there are kids that lucky! I know!

Make sure you get your fill throughout the night. Bad dream? Gimme The Breast. End of REM cycle? Where’s The Breast? Some nights, I nip at the bar, so to speak, as much as five times! That’s better than a newborn! I rule!


These are the paper thingies stacked in wooden shelves all over the house. They are very tasty and are great fun to rip apart. So many hours of enjoyment can be had with them but you’ll have to work fast before they put them all out of your reach. If they give you a book as a decoy, something they were going to throw away, something so worthless they can’t even sell it on, do not touch it. It’s bad. Go for the good ones. Better yet, gnaw on album and CD covers if you have access. The hard cases are good if you’re teething, though I prefer albums in plastic sleeves – mmm, good times!


It’s like a veritable fun house, isn’t it? As you get older and are steady on your feet, it’s time to climb! On anything! I recommend starting small, like with a cookie tin or a play farm. Then, move on to chairs. Chairs are great! You can get up into them (cozy!) but you can’t get down. What’s so much fun about this game is the expression on the big peoples’ faces when they see you standing in their living room chair for the first time. It may appear to be fear but it’s really love and admiration. When you hear, “Oh, god, no!” what they really mean is, “Oh, you clever baby, do it again!”

Shoot – I hear my mom coming back! Better post this quick. I’ll be back with more soon! She pees a lot and never lets me in the bathroom anymore since I learned how to turn on the tub faucets!

Yours in Destruction, Red


4:18 p.m. ::
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