My Fresh Hell
Life in Scribbletown.

Because I Am Brain Dead

2006-03-22
Okay. If you ever happen to be so fortunate as to work with me, please do NOT do the following: tell the boss that you will ask me to do a shitload of extra work without my knowledge and then send me an email about how you need me to do your job for you and end it with "I appreciate your willingness to put such a list together."

Even though I've agreed to no such thing. And I wasn't involved in the original discussion. Especially when I've already provided you with all the information you need to do your job. Especially when that list already exists and I've emailed it to you half a zillion times.

Note to Self: Do not delete files from FreshHell. Pay attention to what FreshHell says when she says it. Do not assume FreshHell is your personal secretary.

Why am I surrounded by people who are not only passive-aggressive in their everyday dealings but cannot take the initiative to do work on their own? My entire job description involves creating lists, systems and procedures so that others can do THEIR jobs. I cannot do my job and theirs. I am not a hand-holder. We are all adults here. At least we're supposed to be.

So, with that out of the way……..

I am sitting in front of a bag of jelly beans to help soothe my frayed nerves. Here is my official ranking of edible flavors:

1. Red and Purple. Basically any red or purple candy is my friend. Unless it's some off-brand sold by one of those rip-off Dollar-type stores.

2. Pink. Pink is iffy in some candy but for basic jelly beans (not "spicy" or anything that has the word "fruit" on the packaging), it's okay. Not #1 but edible. My sister has likened some pinks to lipstick - nasty lipstick. But, your basic Brach's pink jelly bean is okay by me. It's sugar and sugar is my friend.

3. Green. Now we're getting into the realm of near-desperation, as in how badly do you need a candy fix? Green's really borderline for jelly beans. It's not actually any particular flavor. It's not lime or green apple or pine-fresh scent. It's green. Eat it or don't. If you don't, can I have them?

4. White. Hmmm – this is really hit-or-miss. Is it coconut? Or something...not coconut. Something bad? Eat at your own risk.

5. Orange and yellow. Poison! These must be thrown away immediately so they do not leach their horribleness onto the other colors. Orange jelly beans are reminiscent of Triaminic – that evil cold elixir I was forced to drink as a child. The taste has still not left my mouth. I shudder at the mere thought of it. Yellow – again: bad, bad news. It looks like piss and tastes worse.

6. Black. Now, here's the thing. I'm not a fan of black jelly beans but I have respect for licorice. And for those who truly, truly love black jelly beans. I save them up for those particular people. They are too good to toss but too – licoricey or something – to eat. Every once in a while, though, I'll eat one. Just to remind myself that I really don't like them very much.

My sister gave her thoughts on jelly beans last year and her list was almost the opposite of mine above. Clearly we are the perfect pair to share a bag as none would be wasted (except for the black ones which we might use to decorate each other's Xmas gifts this year.)

Where do YOU stand on this very important candy issue?

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12:51 p.m. ::
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